Mastering the art of giving....

“But why can one not start to love someone after marriage” , my little remaining not so western part of soul asked her . Ertyaas gave me a very long smiling gaze, the gaze she seldom gives, and after a long smiling silence said, “ your soul is too small to understand that sort of great love, you will be blown away with that sort of love my dear, its not for the fainthearted” , and she laughed long after that. I was confused as usual by the way she gazed at me and more confused on what she was saying, for we normally always differ on every discussion and here a westerner was trying to keep my dying easternism alive. She was the most independent girl I had met so far in my life, free in her thoughts, in her lifestyle, in her relationships and it was very odd on the way she was romanticizing arranged marriages. I resisted a bit, “but it is not possible to force one’s self to love some one, specially someone we donot know, is it..” and she interrupted “ you should not think like that my friend, you need to understand the basics first, if you are clear on the basics , the rest of the story will be simple, we westerners donot understand this simple thing, we become so obsessed with our individual values and liberty that somewhere down the line we forget that love is not about individual values or finding a comfortable partner to live freely, we westerners think love is all about finding the right guy to whom we can connect on a same level, not knowing love is all about a journey into the unknown, a learning of lifetime about basic human existence, understanding the basic atomic structure of soul, learning to increase our love piece by piece, particle by particle, and learning to move all these tiny particles in our human conscious-ness into a pattern we call dancing and while doing so understanding our basic reasons of living ….and believe me my friend, learning and understanding does not come from the people we share our comfort zone with. Love is all about mastering the art of giving in the most difficult way possible, and what more better way can be with an arranged marriage to start that journey.... ”. She made me speechless again……

Somewhere far from africa i imagined my mother laughing as well....

Traveling Desires

Am thinking for quite some time, if there is a far far remote possibility that the desires and wishes from our fathers and forefathers may have the ability to travel through the genes and are still alive some where in a dark hidden corner of our DNA code? Off-course there is alot of instinctive behavior that we humans do instinctively, like craving for eating, copulating, survival stuff but i am not talking about that and I am also not talking about the desires that the parents associate with their sons and and daughters.I am talking about the desires that one wishes for him self, I am talking about all the free floating desires that my father and forefathers have wished to have for themselves;the ones that are not connected to any necessities in life; the ones which gives purpose and meaning to one's own existence, one's own identity, one's own life signature.

Like I always fantasize my father's world trip , which ended up half the world away, some where in the blue waters of Caribbean, i wonder if he may have thought of going even beyond, the whole way, and that specific desire somehow traveled and transmuted into some hidden corners of my genes, i wonder if his father had a similar dream. I wonder if my grandfather, wanted to be a globe trotter. I wonder if that is why i am in Africa.....

(I wish if I can know all about those hidden corners)

Trilemma

I am standing now on crossroads, in a serious acute trilemma. I am seeing three clear paths to choose from for my future life and the irony is my heart is divided for all three. A long time back Ertyass asked me of why it is not possible to love 2 persons and the whole world at the same time, i was naive and emotional back then but while standing on this cross road right now, i am remembering her words. I want to live all these three lives that i define but my heart is equally divided. The tiny hearts within my heart city are lobbying based on their own vested agendas, and i am pretty much convinced on whichever road i take, one part of my heart will always be unhappy.

There is this first path which can very well be called a "Faustian Bargain"(click to know more) where I pursue my corporate life, going for a business school, moving from country to country and up in the hierarchy in same or different organizations, exploiting corporate lifestyle of surfing the wave and ending up being a director or a CEO or just a back-office knowledge manager, who wants to do all the work without thinking. Just like a blind gardener , growing flowers with all the passion and care but without any reasons or motives other then just for the sake of it. An easy life, of not thinking too much about the bigger questions of life, keeping my self busy with petty targets ; this project roll-out, that sales wining, this country management issues, that region's financial mess. An easy life compared to the other two with small goals and sense of virtual satisfaction. To trade my soul for all the worldly happiness that i can get.

Then there is this second road going towards my own dream of living a life of a farmer. To live like a king in my own created world and at the same time to denounce the world of technology and spend time in the comforts of my small farmhouse with alot of books and alot of time and papers to burn. To be less dependent on others specially money, to harvest what i can eat without letting money in between, to grow my own fruits and best of livestock. May be i am making it sounds too easy, off course every lifestyle bring its own challenges, but this sort of life may bring more tangible and real satisfaction then the 'faustian bargain'. It may be a social suicide for me, but perhaps i may be a born loner and this sort of life far from the meddling crown may bring more happiness (atleast most part of my heart if not all) .

The third one, is the life of a wanderer which i often imagine and fantasize. A solo ride, of a lonely writer traveling in search of colors for his canvas of memories. I have done alot of travels in my life and still doing, but transiting countries for business or pleasure is one-thing, but living in the consistent feeling of traveling for months and months with no specific destination is totally another. There is a German word called 'Erfahren' which roughly translates to the wisdom that comes from first hand experience. A similar word 'Erfaan' in my may language also translates to something similar but more of a spiritual awareness. This life can be all about big questions, to make the whole world as a replica of my brain magnified, where every new land brings a multitude of raw thoughts, every journey a connection between one thought to another and every meeting with a new person sparking a thought of understanding this world of me in a better way. In experiencing the magnified view of my own mind i may be able to understand what the hell is this all about. The best thing about this life is well it may not lead to easy death but but fore sure it will make all my old-hood a good past time playing with all the memories i may be gathering in this life of wandering. Or may be not, i may be dying an early death in the laps of a motherly woman far in some unknown pacific island because of some godforsaken disease acquired during travels, but that risk is as attractive as climbing a wall of beloved's home just to leave a rose on her feet, with all possibilities of getting caught by his father :)


All these are doable, there is no issues about money anymore, nor about time, nor about family or anything, but there is a fight going inside me, the heart is more on going the lonely way, the mind wants to be on top of the pyramid, and a part of me also wants to live an easy country life. And like allways i feel divided in satisfying all.