About Journeys in life

There is yet another journey , i know deep in my heart that i have to take. A journey not even started, but is already creating most of the bubbles sparkling in the watery heart of mine. I know i have to prepare alot even to take the first step, even to think of taking the first step and being fearfully bored about it even more to pass through the whole cycle .....perhaps the most difficult to reach the finish line and stop and return, and yet i am thinking WTF , why to go all the way when I can already imagine all the moments of accomplishments and joys of glory i would be getting on the finish line and along the way. Yet the mere idea of going on this specific journey is unexplain-ably seductive.

I have been thinking on the nature of journeys we all humans take. We all are in a constant perpetual state of making journeys, finishing each, one by one, or multiple journeys at the same time just to begin the new ones .... Journeys taken voluntarily or imposed.....Journeys of pursuing our worldly goals, serving the commands of our desire-masters living inside us....this car,that house, this life, that love, this town, that country...raising a child or traveling on a learning spiritual path...... Journeying our way through pages of our favorite novel, following the protagonist .....or taking a shot walk of imagination in our minds........every thing in our conscious and unconscious world can be termed as a journey...every desire, every instant thought perhaps is a journey already traveled halfway..... a journey from one point of present standing to a future point of wishful ending is all it sums up to....

A friend of mine perhaps trying to forget herself taking the journey of seeing the world in pictures indulging in photography......the other one being excited of a trip to europe she intends to make, yet another one being happy already with mere imagination of 'raising a child' journey she intends to travel, the initial 9 months and the whole life ahead, already imagining all the joys she would be having out of that whole journey.......... All these journeys I am seeing and hearing and on top of that my own journeys that I have undertaken, halfway or not even started.... WTF are they for.....

All our lives we plan and re-plan, travel and re-travel, finish and re-finish these journeys we imagine for our life to undertake (never geting bored of imagining more and more) to the extent that we forget our very own awareness of being alive in the instance of present reality around us....... or is it perhaps for the same very reasons of forgetting our instance of present reality, we pursue these journeys consciously and unconsciously.... all our lives??

Is it so dreadful even to imagine stopping for once , to catch our breath, taking a deep breath smelling the time spread around us....... and to sit and look all the static not moving things in the vicinity and enjoy them shining in their present reality....So un-move-ingly beautiful...... or is it so against the human nature enjoying that static beauty????

On Ghosts and other demons....

"Your mind is full of emotional ghosts" she said in a way as if that is the root cause of all my problems. "And what do you mean by that I asked. 'Well you see ghosts breathe in the past but live in the present, just like these tiny ghosts in the form of old memories trying to breathe their imagination in your past but stubbornly determined to live in the present narrow alleys of your mind's grey matter, and you know that is the problem with your country and countrymen as well...too many ghosts breathing from the past air"

"Well if that is the case why do you think it is such a bad thing", naturally I became a bit defensive as any patriot person who is in love with himself and his land will do.

"Well nothing bad in having the ghosts, the problem is, being aware of these ghosts and not coming in terms with them, you have always been trying to run from them, and for the same reasons they disturb you more and more, these ghosts are emotional beings just like us and are thirsty of attention you know, if you ignore them or run away from them out of fear, they will haunt you more and more, seeking and even stealing your attention in most unusual places, but if you accept their existence and secure them like a rose in an old book, their smell will dominate the most saddest pages of your book, they will rest in peace , part by part dissolving in the thin space of your mind universe, till the time only a pinch of their fragrance is left " and she added " same is the case with your country, too many ghosts living from the past and everybody, in being afraid of them serving them unknowingly, rather then letting them rest and sleep and move forward"

"And do you think this is what causes me all these emotional outbursts?? " I asked

"Pretty much i think" she said jokingly and added " perhaps your ghosts are now copulating and giving birth to new generation of kid ghosts inside your mind, these kiddos who only know how to cry all the times without knowing much about their biological or shall i say ghost-ical fathers and mothers . Like you see most of your countrymen are born much after all the bad things happened to your land 60years ago, they were not even in liquid form at that time, but they still cry for the past air and old enemies, of which they were never a part of and became emotional with old enemies while living in the present.

"But these ghosts give me a sense of my identity, how can i define my self without my past"

"See there is a difference between identifying with your past and identifying with your core values... these ghosts have blurred your vision of your core values, they make you feel they are more important for you then your core values. Your core values is not serving your past, but things like happiness, enjoying life with friends and family, learning and interacting with the unseen world of knowledge and someday to accomplish a sense of understanding of your whole life. Rest all is just ghostly Soap operas and energy spinning in negative spirals...."


Sometimes I think she has the ability of breaking me into so many small alphabets and in doing so showing how to spell my own life, letter by letter, so i can spell her correctly......

Identity visualized

She has such a different way of looking at things, making me fall for her more and more as my age goes by. Anyways that was just my emotional outburst, but finally me and Ertyaas after a long time did a real collaborative work together on defining my identity, which she thinks is something people are starting to mingle up in this globalized-terrorized-hypnotized world.
All the thinking work I left to her, and all the logical rationality I kept for myself and together we were able to put in some thing really tangible this time. Sometimes I think she is slowly filling the right empty side of my brain, taking all the powers to dance her thinking into my unknowns, and I wish someday she can force my left logical part of the brain out, so I become all hers.

She says it is very important to visualize our identity(something becoming so complex these days) and specially in techni-color cinemascope, she wanted to emphasize that its only the color of personal liking we choose for ourselves and not defining good and bad extremes .She said this is important for me to understand my transitions, and nothing to do with telling the rest of the world of who i am. Off-course, she jokingly added,'you know its always good to play with open cards. :) '

We managed to reduce to four extreme axis identities to map my identity inclinations and their changes over the age.But as usual she wanted to clear out the the meaning of words for me. She explained something like this

Land vs. Country: A country is an area surrounded by man-made or time-made historical boundaries, where we are either born or living or forced to live in any given instant of time. On the other hand Land she defined as a place where we have spent most of our life, where we have made memories, friends and contributed, or in the least where we feel more closed to. She was very adamant to distinguish between these two identities which most of us mix up she says, specially the expats and immigrants.

Race Vs. Humanity:The second axis group was Race vs. Humanity. The question she put was ,do I identify myself more with a race(color,language,family,even sex etc) or as a human being. Am i a middle-eastern, sub-continent dweller, or a globalized being which we can call Human in most general sense. Am i a swede by my way of living or an african or an arab.

Stomach Vs. Heart: Being very concerned about my brain who is running here and there for no reason, she gave an analogy: think of your self as a car, your brain as your driver, your stomach as the need for petrol and the heart your desire to reach a certain place. Now see how much you identify with moving the car from one petrol station to another and how much you drive towards your heart destination. And at any given age how much your brain was serving either of the two.

Religion Vs Self: She thinks religious identity is all about identifying with all the causes that sees our existence, our life, as a part of a greater whole and our reasons for living in serving to be part of that greater whole. On the other hand Self she says is defined as an awareness of one's own existence, ones own unique identity that allows us to see a whole universe within ourselves and allows us to run it in our own deemed way. Now that was a bit tough thing for me to differentiate, specially that after meeting her i have forgotten my self pretty much now(at least i think so), but i think i got the point.

So here is my Identity visualized over different ages of my life time and presented in techni-color. Actually it came out much better then what i expected, and made me see myself clearly. I named it Erty's wheel which she amended Erty's wheel salmanized (it was another second long time when somebody adjectified my name)











Another project she wants me to do now, is to make an Aspiration's wheel. I think deep in her heart she wants to see if I am more inclined towards the Blondes or the Burgundy-s, something i wont be telling her so easily...... :)


P.S: If someone is interested in getting this excel based graph to map his/her own identity, please send me an email and i will love to share.....